Le Awkward Turtle

The Top 10 Undeniably Super-Duperly Awkward Animals:

1. Turtle: This is obviously the most awkward animal. Trying to verbalize the supreme awkwardness of the turtle would be awkward in itself. There would not be a gesture dedicated to it if it was suave and sexy. Let’s move on.
2. Sloth: Their disproportionate bodies and extreme slowness inevitably result in a plethora of awkward situations. If another animal insulted them, the awkward silence would be seemingly interminable because if they move so slowly, then their minds must be super slow as well. It would take them a day and a half to think of a witty response. But they probably would fall asleep first, which must be frigg’n annoying for the animal bully. Let me put this in plain terms that all you math nerds will understand. Delayed reactions= Awkward. Sloths= The Epitome of Delayed Reactions. Therefore, by some law that I forget the name of, Sloths= Awkward. EVIDENCE:
3. Proboscis Monkey: You know that monkey that you’ve seen at the zoo that looks like it has an elephant-trunk/ wee-wee for a nose? Yeah, this is the one. Case in point! EVIDENCE:



4. Homo Sapien: Yep, that’s the scientific term for ME AND YOU. Humans are painfully awkward. We might even tie for first with the turtle. Just pick a good bench or cushy piece of grass somewhere, and people-watch at the mall, or at work, or anywhere! We are constantly saying stupid stuff and tripping over our own two feet. Instead of laughing it off and being cool like hyenas, we turn bright red and divert our eyes. Solution? ROCK THE AWKWARD TURTLE. Makes awkward situations so awkward it’s funny and people think you are endearing. EVIDENCE:
   

   A w k w a r d.

5. Shoebill: Otherwise known as the Balaeniceps rex (which reminds me of a T-REX!), this is a large bird that is related to storks. But it’s not like a stork at all. I think if a shoebill delivered a baby I would be totally freaked out. This bird has a HUGE beak that seems to be stuck in a sort of condescending and smug smirk. Sure it’s cool that they seem so self-confident, but the sheer fact that it doesn’t realize its inherent awkwardness is awkward. It looks like a feathery pterodactyl. Gross, but awesome! EVIDENCE:



6. Angora Rabbit: Looks like a huge, furry blob with a nose. It’s like a Himalayan cat when it gets wet. Seems fluffy and big and then BAM! Tiny and pissed off rodent-esque being. No one likes a hairless cat. Or a rabbit. EVIDENCE:



7. Red Panda: Sure everyone loves a panda. This is obvious from all the adorable stuffed animals filling up stores and houses and pissing parents off, AND also the new movie Kung Fu Panda (Great music by the way. Check it outtttt.). Today I was walking through the supermarket, and Kellogs is offering Kung Fu Panda Crunch. Obviously, people get all sorts of pumped up from seeing these bamboo-loving black and white bears. But I digress. The Red Panda is an example of how evolution is the enabler and creator of all that is awkward. It has red fur on top to blend in with the red leaves of some tree, and black on the bottom. Scientists recently discovered that the Red Panda isn’t even related to Pandas! False advertisement if I’ve ever heard of it! That’s awkward element number uno. Awkward element number deux is that it is related to skunks (smell gross), raccoons (awesome but eat garbage which is gross), and weasels (can I get a collective “GROSSS!”?). This poor creature is clearly having an identity crisis, which is just awkward turtle to the max. EVIDENCE:
   
8. Narwhal: It has a huge TOOTH coming out of its head! But it’s pretty cool because 1. It makes them look like a unicorn, and 2. They are super sensitive and can be used to figure out the salt concentration of the ocean and other crazy things like that. Oh, and males rub them together because apparently it makes an interesting sensation. Awkward. That’s why they are on the list. NEXT! EVIDENCE:
9. Star-Nosed Mole: Well, moles are narsty in general, but the Star-nosed mole is even more so. It’d be cool if they were called star-nosed because they had a star for a nose that was shiny like Rudolph, or that gave them some crazy power like the Fireflowers in Mario, but unfortunately that’s not the case. The star-nosed adjective just describes these weird appendages sticking out from their nose to help them find food in the matter of a millisecond. Awesome that they can eat fast, but grosskward that they have weird pink things splaying from their noses. EVIDENCE:
   
10. Golden Potto: Last but not least, the golden potto is another example of how evolution makes animals awkward. See, we are not alone out there, or responsible for our awkwardness. It is out of our hands. But yes, the golden potto is a primate found in Africa that has a spined you-know-what. Now that’s a date-breaker. EVIDENCE: Uhh, let’s not make this more awkward than it has to be.