K so I’m pretty sure I either completely lack a maternal instinct, or I am the only person in the world who isn’t into cooing over babies. Before all you motherly types get all up in my shit, allow me to elaborate.
I am in the minority on my father’s side of the family, being single and childless at the tender age of 26. I like it this way. I have a happy life and I’m in no hurry to change it. Unfortunately, I have about 150 cousins that are all around my age who bring their spawn to family parties, prompting all the aunts, uncles, grandmothers, etc. to fawn and coo and basically crap their pants at their “cuteness.” This inevitably leads to some relative coming up to me and asking if I have a man yet, and then they tell me about some guy they want to set me up with, which I have no interest in so I don’t encourage the conversation to continue and it ends awkwardly, usually with me making a dash for the booze. Hours later I will have to deal with my mom wanting to review the party, which will lead to her emphasizing how wonderful my newly-married cousins are doing, and how adorable their new little babies are, all of which of course is said so as to remind me that my biological clock is ticking and that I need to get moving on ensnaring a mate so that I, too, can procreate and experience “the miracle of a tadpole growing in the flesh-pocket above my crotch.” Bleh.
Listen, I have nothing against people who love babies. I’m just not not into them. Give me a kitten any day. Much less of a mess and hassle, plus warm fuzzy fur and purring. Don’t push your baby into my face, demanding that I acknowledge its cuteness. You know what? It’s not cute! Babies all look the same! Your baby isn’t the spitting image of you, your husband, or your dead great-uncle. It looks like a damn baby. You could replace it with a rock and I wouldn’t know the difference. Why celebrity magazines pay millions and millions of dollars for the exclusive photos of some star’s newborn bundle of gross is beyond me. THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME.
Of course, there are those rare exceptions called ugly babies. I take particular delight in watching people pretend to coo over their cuteness. I wouldn’t wish having an ugly baby on anyone…except maybe Paris Hilton.
Poppy said,
July 30, 2008 @ 5:59 pm
Right on!
Naomi said,
April 10, 2009 @ 6:59 pm
lol I’m twenty and my cousins haven’t all had kids yet apart from the older ones, but my mother is just as bad, esspecially after the birth of my first neice
my neice I’m sorry to say, was a baby hater’s worst night mare, unlike any baby you’ve ever seen; an 11 pound Screamer, who lived with us for the first 12 months of her life. for the record a Screamer is a baby that doesn’t coo, or laugh, or whine, no they scream bloody murder like they’re being stabbed to death for every thing they need [Christ almighty]
my mother became upset with me because I didn’t treat her like the second coming, she knew I didn’t like children,especially not newborns, she even had the nerve to call me jealous of her despite the fact that if they hadn’t come to get me so I could see her at the hospital, I would have been completely content playing video games in my room all day…like I had for the past 10 years
Jacob said,
April 26, 2009 @ 6:34 am
I got no love for the little ugly whining poop factories either. I adore toddlers who actually have a personality, but babies just seem all the same. Helpless little crying, needy, ugly, stinky poop factories. At 27 I have dated gorgeous girls, and have had the pressure from every member of my family to procreate… I got a kitten instead. His name is Tyco, and he had a personality from day one. He uses his litter box, sleeps on my pillow, he purrs adorably all the time, and he is soft and adorable. Best of all I can cut out and leave town for the weekend to go party, or work, or whatever I need to do without worrying about a babysitter or diapers… and everything is cool as long as I leave out a big bowl of food and water. How awesome is that! Give me a friend with benefits and a great Rave or party on the weekends, and I’ll keep spending my 100 grand a year on shit I want and not worry about some damn offspring! Moreover… everyone who wants you to marry and have a kid… if you talk to them and really get the REAL deal about how happy they are – USUALLY (not always) but usually they are miserable and bored, and wish they were out partying on the weekends with nothing and nobody to tie them down!!! How about them apples!?